Personal Writing

Luke Frantz

Professor Leslie Jewkes

English 102 041W

December 10, 2012

Personal Dilemma

            As the beginning of the year began I knew I was in a strange place. Being in a job that seemed to get progressively worse with each passing day, accompanied by the hard truth that the money needed for a sustainable life was nowhere close left me feeling like rock bottom was vastly approaching. This dreadful feeling was soon followed by the death of both my grandparents, and a breakup that left my heart in shambles. These problems left me in a delirious state where inspiration was hard to arouse, and disorientation as to the “natural order of things” drowned out all my senses. Being determined to find a balance between my racing mind and the tasks set out before me I knew I was in for a ride.

            Being as I have a tendency to over respond to situations that deal with stress I was certain that doom was on the horizon. For as far back as I can remember cultivating creative, beneficial solutions has come as a problem. My personality tends to draw struggles inward and steppingstones to growth begin to appear more as roadblocks than tools to help better understand “myself” and the world around me. Deep down there seems to be something buried in my past. Something I have been on the verge of unearthing many times, yet, each circumstance when the answers begin to appear a dreadful feeling of terror draws me away, and silently explains: “it is better you forget.”

            Time and time I have asked myself if this is merely a creation of imagination or rather an event that my mind is shielding me from? Growing up I had a wonderful childhood. With love from my parents and a large group of friends everything seemed great. I was lucky enough to be blessed with a family who let me express my creativity through whatever outlet I choose, often leading to late night adventures with friends and pushing my personal limits in whatever task was set out before me.

            As time progressively moved forward depression and confusion took hold. That childlike sense of freedom had been replaced with sadness and a misunderstanding of the world. At a young age I was forced to see a psychiatrist, and shortly after was given a prescription to medication that was supposedly going to balance my emotions. Wanting an instant cure I blindly ingested the chemicals not knowing what the outcome would be. Months went by and a gradual feeling of detachment set in. I was numb. I felt nothing. My surroundings went from color to black and white, and as my mind slowed, so did the truth that something was wrong. As nice of a vacation it was from my mind I began to miss the person I let go of before I started taking the drugs.

            This mental battle went on for years, and as my body became more dependent on the chemicals the harder it became to live without them. In 2008 I lost a friend to his own hand. He, much like myself struggled with depression and after a long battle with personal demons decided to end his own life. That terrible feeling that swept over me when I heard the news was the most I had felt in years. A void of confusion entered my heart, as did the presence of my departed friend. I broke down in tears remembering the last time we spoke, and at this very moment realized I needed a better way to live. I needed to feel and experience life- even if it did hurt. I needed to conquer obstacles and strive for a future that would make both myself, and my family proud. At that very moment everything became clear: as did the solution to my problem. Living in a dense fog of personal doubt I had shut myself in from the outside world. I became so afraid of life that I forgot to pause, and focus on all the wonderful things around me. I had forgotten the importance of acceptance, and in doing so lost something vital which was myself. Shortly after the emotions wore something else dawned on me. That feeling of terror I had once been so afraid of was nothing more than a warning that my life was drifting off course. It wasn’t that something bad that had happened in my past, it was rather a warning that if I continued down the same path it would be my future that was affected.

            With this I found an interesting truth and a dichotomy as to the nature of all things. This terrible loss helped aid in how off course things had drifted in my life. Through his death I understood how important it was to love and share my feelings with people, and to also help them. His death offered me the chance to examine myself through his decision, and in doing so I found the importance of life, and the value of his friendship. Should he be thanked for this? I wish I had an answer to that question, and at times makes me feel guilty in saying so, but his death helped save my life. I guess sometimes bad things have to happen for good to result- but it is always refreshing to know that within the saddest situations life has to offer if looking hard enough great things can always be spotted.